Goals and Good Things

Life is full of good things. Good things to do, good things to enjoy. It's hard to say no to good things. At the moment, my life feels full of things, mostly good things. But there are good things missing too. I'm very motivated by doing, and find it hard to just "be", and to enjoy the kids "being". Last week I hugged Anabelle as we said goodbye at school like I've not hugged her in ages. A long, feeling hug, where I breathed deeply into the hug and made a memory of how it felt. Those are the kind of moments I need to have with the ones I love. Sometimes my goals need to be for the good things that can't be so easily measured.

Reality Check

It's time for a reality check. Life feels hard at the moment, VERY hard. But my feelings are starting to control me and my thinking. I can't seem to turn off the "struggling" me and turn on a "thankful" me. I want to be able to list off all the things to be thankful for, but my mind is full of all the things that hurt, all the things that are hard. Somedays it feels like losing Matthew negates anything else that's good. Why say "I am thankful for my three beautiful children", only to realise actually I don't get to hold all three? I am thankful for Matthew, but his absence still hurts. I am thankful we got to know him briefly, but I ache to hold him and watch him play with his sisters. So, time for a reality check. Life is GOOD, as well as hard. I AM thankful for God's love and mercy which secures my eternal future, I am thankful for His provision of a faithful loving husband. I am thankful for the ability to carry and bear three children, and the priviledge of raising two of them. I am thankful for our house, a place of shelter just the right size that we've lovingly made into our home over the years and that holds so many memories. I am thankful that I am a mum at home for a time. Reality check #2. This is my job - stay at home mum of Anabelle and Cate, manager of the Hoger household! I cannot expect someone to miraculously turn up to help me in my work. It is my work to do, my work to be joyful in. And no-one else is watching and judging me on my cleaning skills or my multi-tasking abilities. I need to work hard with love for the ones I serve, for this is my purpose in life right now. Accept the tough days with the good days. As much as I would love to be able to focus on others and all of that, I wonder whether it would be better to shut off the outside world for a while, and focus on us. Stop "watching" everyone else's lives (go to plan), and just put my efforts into our lives (ie: turn off facebook and twitter and blogs). Being connected to others is over-rated I'm sure!! The three others in my home are the ones that count in the long run. So, today I'm going to pick myself up, have a shower (once Cate stops her crying and goes to sleep), and get on with my job of serving my household. One little bit at a time, with interuptions for sure, but happy that I'm in my home, my earthly sanctuary, with most of the people who mean the most to me. It's a good day to be me.

Family pictures by Anabelle

Cate and Anabelle in the garden with some blue sky and green grass and mushrooms and a big tree. (Drawn 29/3/10)

Anabelle's family picture drawn 16/4/10 (left to right: Anabelle, Cate (smallest), Mummy, Daddy, next to a palm tree, under a dark sky)