Goals and Good Things

Life is full of good things. Good things to do, good things to enjoy. It's hard to say no to good things. At the moment, my life feels full of things, mostly good things. But there are good things missing too. I'm very motivated by doing, and find it hard to just "be", and to enjoy the kids "being". Last week I hugged Anabelle as we said goodbye at school like I've not hugged her in ages. A long, feeling hug, where I breathed deeply into the hug and made a memory of how it felt. Those are the kind of moments I need to have with the ones I love. Sometimes my goals need to be for the good things that can't be so easily measured.

School Holidays

Well, it's here - we are becoming parents of a school child. And here starts our first real experience of school holidays. Now that pre-school is finished, and school is just under 7 weeks away, we begin the holidays. Today's fun: Making Colin's "mini Christmas puds" (for the second time actually, but this time with a light fruit cake so that Anabelle might actually eat some of her hard work). She loves cooking and with this one has broken up the cake (see picture) and mixed in the chocolate and wonderfully rolled all the balls out for me to add the white chocolate to. Then she popped the cherry on top! Lovely!

Celebrating Cate

On Saturday was Cate's 1st birthday. It was a beautiful sunny spring day, perfect for a Teddy Bear's Picnic! She behaved wonderfully, wasn't overawed by the number of people (big and small) in our backyard and enjoyed her cake! It was a fun day. I'll let the pictures tell the rest of the story. We love Cate! I have loved cuddling her (especially when she was little and would fall asleep on my shoulder), loved feeding her, loved watching her learn new things (like figuring out that crawling could be done on her knees not just her belly), listening to her "talking" and deciphering new words (like Ted-dee, Gar-de(n), Dad-dee and most recently "Cat-ee). She's so cute!

Gratitude Time

What am I thankful for today? Well this week I had a good day. Wednesday was a great day. Beautiful weather. Got to spend an hour and a half in the garden working hard, sweating and feeling good! I had a win with Cate (if you call letting your baby scream herself to sleep for the first time and it only takes an hour and 20 minutes a win). That gave me some self-confidence in my mothering. And I got to talk to Chris for 3 hours after the girls were in bed. Today I still feel good, albeit a bit tired from less than great sleep last night.

Still hard

Life's still hard. I hit rock-bottom on Saturday in a way I've never seen before. Sure I can lock myself away and move through life's marathon one step at a time, but I feel alone. I have Hoger when he's here, but he's struggling too. We're both in a place where it's difficult to help the other. Today I officially have no friends. OK, call me pessimistic, or whatever, but I have no-one (this doesn't include Hoger of course). No-one who will pick up the phone to call and see how I'm doing, no-one who'll offer to come and help me with something (anything), no-one who's wondering why I'm not participating in my usual activities, no-one who sees it as their burden to look out for me. No-one's looking. Wow, it's a lonely world sometimes.

Reality Check

It's time for a reality check. Life feels hard at the moment, VERY hard. But my feelings are starting to control me and my thinking. I can't seem to turn off the "struggling" me and turn on a "thankful" me. I want to be able to list off all the things to be thankful for, but my mind is full of all the things that hurt, all the things that are hard. Somedays it feels like losing Matthew negates anything else that's good. Why say "I am thankful for my three beautiful children", only to realise actually I don't get to hold all three? I am thankful for Matthew, but his absence still hurts. I am thankful we got to know him briefly, but I ache to hold him and watch him play with his sisters. So, time for a reality check. Life is GOOD, as well as hard. I AM thankful for God's love and mercy which secures my eternal future, I am thankful for His provision of a faithful loving husband. I am thankful for the ability to carry and bear three children, and the priviledge of raising two of them. I am thankful for our house, a place of shelter just the right size that we've lovingly made into our home over the years and that holds so many memories. I am thankful that I am a mum at home for a time. Reality check #2. This is my job - stay at home mum of Anabelle and Cate, manager of the Hoger household! I cannot expect someone to miraculously turn up to help me in my work. It is my work to do, my work to be joyful in. And no-one else is watching and judging me on my cleaning skills or my multi-tasking abilities. I need to work hard with love for the ones I serve, for this is my purpose in life right now. Accept the tough days with the good days. As much as I would love to be able to focus on others and all of that, I wonder whether it would be better to shut off the outside world for a while, and focus on us. Stop "watching" everyone else's lives (go to plan), and just put my efforts into our lives (ie: turn off facebook and twitter and blogs). Being connected to others is over-rated I'm sure!! The three others in my home are the ones that count in the long run. So, today I'm going to pick myself up, have a shower (once Cate stops her crying and goes to sleep), and get on with my job of serving my household. One little bit at a time, with interuptions for sure, but happy that I'm in my home, my earthly sanctuary, with most of the people who mean the most to me. It's a good day to be me.

Anabelle Self-Portrait

The latest self-portrait from Anabelle (24/7/10) - LOVE IT! And love this girl!